I want this ish forever man, ever man.

Whenever I think of the disappointing, least likely outcome, I think of Harry Potter and how he has overcome.
1) Naivety sucks. And it doesn't: Though grownups are well intentioned and looking out for our best, you gotta let the kids do it on their own. Just trusssst. Granted, sometimes the youthful naivety can get our godfathers killed as we jump to foolish conclusions, in the end, we'll save the world. Give us our wand and spellbooks, but allow us to decide how to use them.
2) Set aside your differences for someting greater: Whether red-head, culry haired, supposedly evil, or a half breed, we're all fighting for the same cause. And that is the strongest bond.
3) Forever exists: The euphoria can be blinding at times, excitement that this is how you want it and won't give it up. Looking forward to a forever that everyone says is fleeting. BUT. 19 years later, everyone's still close friends because they had that strong bond of fighting for teh same cause. So, I'm looking forward to forever with you all. You're not going anywhere.
4) It is absolutely okay to lash out: Harry has taught me that angst is not a horrible thing. I can be angsty and still see the end goal. And ya'll will be there to take the punches.
5) Lean on somebody: You can't do it alone. And even if you could, it would be done poorly. Ask for help, these people want to help.
"'Cause we are wizards
And our hearts are filled with hope
With curses flying around, oh
We'll stand firm and hold our ground
Our friends, they will fight with us
'Til you say bitter end
But we say better"
-Song for the Death Eaters

Faulty camera in our minds.

Cliches are bopping in and out of my head. Most of them contradictory.

what have i done? what will i become?

Itching

Get out of this skin!!!!

FUYEAH, i'm ready. let's do this already! but ya'll aren't. that's all, the only reason i'm taking my sweet time is for you holder-backers. Remember that. Remember how much time is worth. And then I'm goneee. not forever though, I'll just be back bigger, badder, and much much better.
Less bitter though.

The future freaks me out

Not really, only if its not exactly how i want it to be. I don't even know anymore. The what ifs are killing me. is it really that simple? will it clear away all my bitterness? i damn hope so.

Don't Speak too Soon

Rash? Perhaps. But I'd rather regret an action than regret not doing it at all.

To be continued....

I'm stalling studying for stats. Hey, I'm really happy you're enjoying yourself and have really found yourself and crap...but you really don't need to publicize it. At least be discrete about it. If you're looking to preach, a social networking engine's status updates are not the best way to do so.

As for my future, I wish I had a choice. Ah, yes. Whatever I can get, I am pleased iA.

With a dream and my cardigan

Egypt Summer 2011: Deadline, iA.

I'm not just excited to see my blood again, or live youth full blown, or spend the night with my sisters called cousins. I'm excited to be everything I want to be (from this point).

Egypt 2011 is my deadline to not live vicariously anymore, to say what's on my mind, to learn what I want to learn, get some life lessons along the way, and just be really content with everything. of course there're bumps, and of course I won't be EVERYTHING i ever want to be by that time, but i'll think of it as a checkpoint of going into the right direction. Who knows? Looking back 3 years I think I'd be content with the way things are working out, going into the right directions. There's some kinks to work out, and maybe I should fastforward, but I cannot wait to be content! Just at peace. Ah, I can just tasttee it.

The book I'm reading, "Getting What You Want: The 7 Principles to Rational LIving" explains that when you're able to visualize something and do anything you can to make that visualization a reality, it'll probably come true. How sweet the sound.

GET IT, GET IT.

Yelling Required.

I wish I was as fearless, loud, and blunt as this woman:

Meet me on the equinox, meet me halfway.

I wish I was a lyrical genius. Or could meet one.

Reading past blogs gives me the chillsss, angers me, makes me smirk, go into blank dazes of reminiscence, and overall irks me. Don't know if the words are just very appropriate or the feelings are still bottled up, refusing to be silenced.

"Of course this is in your head, [Jasmine], but why on earth would that mean that it is not real?"

Agh, no. Just, no.

There's a certain phrase stuck in my mind, body, and soul that I cannot seem to rid of. And it applies to the entire population. Yep, just about everybody. I'm not exaggerating either.

You'd better be damn scared of me right now. I will probably rip you shred to shred, insecurity by insecurity. I'm more critical now, too. Everyone the hell else is, so now it's my turn to show you what's going on this girl's sick little mind. Don't worry people who do not pester the others with their hypocracy and manipulation, you are free of my wrath. Everyone else is going down.

This is why.

Aparation site number 3. Where everything makes sense.

How do I know YOU'RE not influencing me? How do I know THEY'RE not influencing me? How do I know you're not influencing me into thinking they're influencing me? How do I know they're not influencing me into thinking I'm not being influenced? How do I know if I'm influencing myself into thinking that you're influencing me that I'm influenced?

Part of me wants to tell all of you to leave me the hell alone. Another wants to apologize profusely for using such foul language and that if I was strong enough I could make my own decisions. Another is telling me to relax. It's just a phase. To hell with you too.

In another, other world

I would be highly influential. Almost manipulative. And you'd complain to me that you think I'm manipulating you. But I'd explain to you that if you weren't so insecure and had some sense of judgment you would be able to tell the difference and not succumb to this so called "manipulation". I wouldn't be afraid to hurt your feelings either. But only if you ask me my opinion. Otherwise, I'd just listen politely. I would not sympathize with you. I would not tell you everything is going to be okay. And then you'd be frustrated with my silence and ask, "Jasmine, say something!" And I'd tell you, "only if its the truth." "Ok Jazz, so...pour it on me." "Well, if you keep doing the things you're doing, nothing is going to get better. But you're just scared to change. You've always been." or some conversation along the lines. People would wonder why they bother coming to me anyway when all I do is make them re-evaluate their lives every time I talk to them. And yet they always come back. "I'm kind of afraid of you. You always say things I don't want to hear."
"Fool, you're not afraid of me. You're afraid of yourself. We lie to ourselves all the time and hide things from ourselves and pretend they're not there. We act so innocent and confused in this world when in reality we usually know exactly what's going on and exactly how to fix it, but we're too foolish to do anything about it. So we wonder where we went wrong and why this is happening and how to fix it. But we know the answer. We're just too damn scared to face it because making a move is probably going to be painful. But worth it in the long run."

That's why I would have a stone cold heart to never let anyone trample on my beliefs, values, or myself. I'd always be ready to fight. I'd never get tired. And you'd hate me. But you'd respect me. And I'd rather have that.


Perhaps in this life?

Allergic to Confrontation

I discovered that when I get really nervous my throat gets scratchy and fiery like i'm allergic to something.

Do you still believe in time?

Why do i feel like the world's out to get me all of a sudden? With knives, guns, verbal offenses, brainwashing machines, etc... Maybe I'm naiive and young and stupid, but I think everything will be okay. iA.

a wise man once said that everything you want to do you realize when you're young. I hope you're right, wise king.

This isn't even about what it should be anymore. i dont know what it is anymore. Everyone's trying to get me to be on their side...that's how it feels like it anyway. The only person that's giving more comfort than any other is the idiot sitting on the couch whose been playing three straight hours of Madden. Thank you.

It's okay. I'm gonna be okay. You're gonna be okay. Listen, please. Please, have faith. Trust. Let's give it a shot.

(I'm sorry for ruining everything, I'llmake it up to you, I promise. iA.)

I never wanted to hear all the things that you told me.

A Day that Will Live in Infamy

Reality, checked. I'm scared to go outside. Allah swt, please have mercy.

You Know Everything. and Nothing at all.

This is bigger than me and you. You think you can do this now, just wait. You won't be able to. It's only going to be this way from now on, so get used to it. I'm trying to fill in my own puzzle with pieces you couldn't provide. And that's not your fault. Just, let me do this. Just, get used to this. I just hope I will be strong enough to follow through. I can't keep this up. I gotta get out of here. I'm not leaving without anything though. Thanks for what you've done, really. But there's not much time left, there never has been.

You're insane. Now I'm rechecking my entire blog to see how unfair I've been to you. Am I too emotional? Too passionate? Trying to be something I'm not? But, that's the point, I'm trying to change. I don't know.

Weeds Out of Concrete

There are three themes that I'm absolutley fascinated with.
This is the first.

1. vulnerability: We are all, completely and utterly vulnerable. And we only realize it when hopeless breakdowns take us over to remind us that we are completely insignificant and give us a reality check. (I have an obsession with breakdowns. My favorite scenes in movies, in fact, are hospital scenes when the doctor comes out and you already know what he's gonna say and someone breaks down on their knees. Plus, props to you, Sally Field in Steel Magnolias). It's quite amazing. Just a month ago, i believed that the worst day of my life to that point had occurred. It was one downfall after another. Fight with brother, ticket, useless orientation, phone died, late home, worried them sick (almost went out to look for me), cassette got stuck in wheel. Imagine, that was what one of the most exhausting days that i could remember. One punch after another. And it all happened in the little town of Walnut! Imagine! It was really nothing. But it was enough to make me cry my eyes out in my car while I took the rain patting on my windows as a purification. It's amazing. I was miserable. And things could have been so much worse. Subhan'Allah. I prayed for forgiveness, for mercy, begged it wouldn't get worse, and thanked Him for giving me a reality check. I think we are graced with reality checks every once in a while for our own good. They sober us up, tell us that there's so much more to us than US. And I think the reason we have to have them in the back of our minds and not constantly live with such fear is because we have to have the blind confidence to pull us through. But that reality check should always influence our lives as a whole. I think I'm about to get another one soon. I'm frightened, but merciful and forgiving God knows.

Straight Up, Now.

SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP.

Harry, I totally feel your angst. But, it's not your fault. you always wanted me to be honest. But really now, how can I be all the time with this? It's okay. Just a few more hours and the awkwards gone. (lessened).

Future Looks Bright.

This is what it's all about. Not just BBQ's and dinners every Sunday. But that care&love. and telling me it's going to be okay and just trust. I think it only gets better for here. Thanks, Bro&Sis. I owe you a lifetime.

Check it.

I fear failure. But, it's not really just failing. It's being okay with it. I mean, I have this image. This image of what I wanna do, where I wanna be, WHO I'm gonna be. It's not a totally different situation than what I'm in now, BUT it would be a significant change, and I think a very solid, consistent lifestyle that says a lot about me, iA. Right now, I have the intention, but it's not in action (intention>action>words), and if God has other plans for me, well, so be it, Allah swt knows best. But if I cause my own downfall, or just don't rise up, I'll be furious with myself, I will hate myself for settling for less. But I'm scared that I won't. That I'll be okay with not rising up, with the excuses. With knowing I could have been something more, but just never went for it. Why would I change so dramatically like that? I think it's because if I settle, then I know it was just a phase. Just another burst of passionate youth, another aspect to be obsessed about, and that's nothing to be taken seriously. There's no purpose there.

ANSWERS, NOW!

When do you know if you're judging somebody? And if you think you know that person well enough, Who are YOUUU to say you really knowww this person? That you can predict what their about to do, but more importantly, why they do it? And if you still answer 'yes, i know them' with an assuring nod, then how do you know they won't surprise you? Aren't you being a little harsh? Not having enough faith? What if it depends on the situation? What if something's affecting you're judgment? We are biased, after all.
Somebody tell me, please. Because I don't know what to do anymore. Right now, I'm predicting the answer is: "Well, you just don't really, ever know". But that's judging too.

Scar(r)ed

Home, and it feels so good. For now. Dang, first weekend where I have nothing to do. (i'm lying).
You're amazing. Just amazing. You know how to completely alter my mood, question myself, love myself, feel good about myself. But then you're gone and my real, paranoid self tells me otherwise. And then you and that self get in a huge fight and I'm caught in the middle of it. I'm the one that ends up looking at both of you with sorry eyes and faint smiles. And worst of all...you knoww. You know that it's not genuine. But I just want you to know that I have potential to make it real, I really do. Just give me a chance. But now you've scared me. Or just made me realize. I'm wondering if i'm influenced by you, or by me, or by them. Or by something else. I don't know who the hell is right. Maybe we all are. That's the worse gray area. Tonight, I just know something's going to fall apart. Me and You, Me, You. And I'll try to put the pieces back together if it's between me and you, cutting myself the whole way through, but putting it back together nonetheless. If IIII fall apart, I dont really know what I'd do...I suppose I would just wallow in the shattered mess, not cleaning up the blood. And if you fall apart, well I'd try to put it back together, but you won't let me. Why does this havvee to happen? I dont want to bleed. I've changed, you say. I have to agree. But i don't know if its for the good or the bad. I know you're looking out, but now I'm really scared.

Neon Pink? No, sorry Mel

FREEDOM! It's bittersweet...no, actually, it's just sweet. I've got quite a bit of meaningless stuff to do, like download new fettishes, shoppppppppppppppp, and read twilight series, just for kicks.
This weekend: San Diego. I wanna go to Long Beach this week. I think it would benefit quite a few people. My blogs are so boring when I'm not going through anxiety. (I just don't feel like advertising it this time).

QUESADILLLAS NOW

Heavy Heart

After APs, i'm reorganizing my priorities. And following through.

and gaining strength? Being a ram sucks.

Falling Apart

Oh. I want to take it as a sign. But you'll call me superstitious. But I kinda am..Ironically, I need a sign to tell me this is a sign. Fuck, just go with the gut.







STUCK.

Save me from being confused.

priorities and uncertain results.
story of my life.

PS: everything has been reaffirmed and shitty allll over again. Dang, triggers from "teaching" kindergarteners and their parent-pickup, "save a person, save mankind", and rancho.

but then again, maybe it is a big deal.

STOOOOOP.

So tired! is this supposed to be the rest of my spring break?? Psh, and I didn't do shit yet. Summer (which means the earth is furthest from the sun and the rays of the sun hit the northern hemisphere more directly), come already (also the season in which the Declaration of Independence was signed, and perhaps the Constitutional Convention?)! I NEED YOU SOOO BAD (ly)!!

And lately,


And Barron's, you're mean. Leave me alone.

Thanks

So, maybe I don't tell you this enough, but thank you. I realllly appreciate your respect, understanding, and acceptance of my decisions, and your efforts to get other people to do the same. It's a load off and gives me comfort.

So, once again, thnx, TRUE FRIEND.

(i hope you know who you are).

The Heart is a Lonely Hunter

Purdy, you're killing me. Keep doing it please. Today's just one of those puffy eyed sundays. Something's wrong with me. Ha, it's kind of ironic actually. You said we're all living in a fantasy world, not really making much out of our reality. And I'm doing that, but in the opposite of how you think I'm doing it. I think it makes it more depressing. My two sides are hating on each other right now. The emotional, dreamer, lover, yearner (my favorite of the two) is holding on to some hope of reality. Meanwhile, the realistic, boring one is telling me not to cling to so much, because you probly won't get it. This always happens. And then it plays the guilt trip, by telling me I'm unappreciative, not giving people enough credit, ungrateful of my situation. Things could be worse. I know, it's just..I guess they could be better too..But stakhfurallah.
And now I'm thinking all my priorities and yearns aren't getting me anywhere, maybe i need a change in plan, but at least this one ensures results, how do i know what i'll get of the other one? It could be a bitter disappointment.
When I think about it, everything I want has nothing to do with me, it has to do with everything around me. I know why though, it would make everything that much easier. Or maybe I want success. So...maybe instead of living in the fantasy world, use it as a motivation for what I could have. Through example and strength and living my own. And the rest is all up to you this way. Yeah, maybe I do need a change in game plan. But I can still live in teh fantasy world right? Yeah, of course you can, just don't cling to it, you'll get no where that way. Okay, I understand. Maybe you're not too bad, realistic one. Yeah, I'm really not. I just want the best for you.

Oh, and hey, maybe you shouldn't predict reactions. That's judging. And you just don't know people well enough to do that.

Posture, Posture.

WTF? T-DAY again? already? c'mon now. That's not right. The only thing i'm excited for tomorrow is lunch w/ a friend and the smell of the theater. But I guess that's a lot to be excited about.
I HATE LOCKS
I LOVE CATS, you guys own the streets.
I'd LIKE it if it i slept blissfully.
I GOTTA wish you good luck.
and PRAY, of course.

Some Punch

Boo, life's starting to suck. I can feel the pull of school immersion. F.U.C.K SAT.AP.ABCDEFGHIJK. So, as things start to get hectic and as I should start easing into the policy of "no life", I have to remind myself:

So suck it up and thank God! (Some motivation too.)

Chipped Polish

I'm motivated again! I'm back! (I think, I hope). Goooosh, I have so many plans for summer. 1. Be enlightened by Olympic 2. room makeover for 5th summer in a row 3.balhaij 4. tatt it up w/ henna 5. new piercing 6. get a job 7. mt. sac classes 8. internship? 9. hangin' out everywhere n' anywhere 10. O.M.G RAMADAN!! Taraweeh hopping

Leo Dio,
I like the way you cry
Adrien Brody,
Shave your beard, but you're still breath taking to me.
Brown people of the States,
How do you get people to like you so much?!

Shook the Bones of Me

I'm giving myself a pat on the back. I DIDN'T get lost :). And now, I know where I (physically) wanna be. It would be a city, pretty big actually. But w/in that big city, little towns, mostly dominated by mom and pop stores. Those little towns, everything's walkable. Or take your bike. And if you can't walk or ride, there's a bus every two minutes, and if not a bus, take the subway, and if not the subway, the metro. Brick buildings, fire escapes, thrift shops galore, cuisines from 5 different cuisines alll on one block, a little cinema that has only 10 theatres but serves delishh popcorn. But the true beauty of it, you can escape it all. Because scattered all throughout towns are these sacred sanctuaries. So green and isolated and beautiful. For your pleasure, thoughtful purposes. Dang. If only. Even though I still have much hope for that.

Sometimes I think I'm unappreciative of my situation. Not material wise or anything. More like the people. Don't get me wrong (this is the part that makes me feel guilty and unappreciative) at least I have you, at least we get together every other week, dine, joke, talk about the weather, school, you've taken us out since we were toddlers. You have outstanding personalities that should truly be honored. You're good people, and i hope that stays with you. And I keep telling myself to stop judging. But gosh, sometimes I can't help it. Sometimes, we just don't click, we're not really..matched. Maybe I'm asking for too much culture, tradition. But that desire and jealousy is so strong that I know I need to have it. We could be like that, if we wanted to. Then our connection would be stronger than ever. And we'd be a really close....It's actually pretty creepy. I pretend things are the way I wish they turned out when I'm with you. It brings me comfort, happiness. Even though its not real. I guess I'll just wait for the future and make my own circumstances (w/ God's will, of course) and then I no longer have to pretend and it'll all be a beautiful reality. But what if this is one of those: "be careful what you wish for" things? And of course, everythign happens for a reason. But my yearning emotions are just really strong right now, and i'm telling myself, what bad can come of this? I guess I just want moderation, tradition, acknowledgment, and some connection.



However, I am grateful that you exist in my life. So thank you, you're amazing people.

I'm Not Shaking

I need to get the fuck out of here. now.

In Another Life

I'd mosdef be an adventurer. Tracking how far an animal has gone just by its dung specimen, knowing the ancient language of the Mayans, deciphering it, getting chased by giant boulders, talking to animals, the whole deal. There's a lot of things I would do. But some are just more private than others.
Gawwsh, this weekend was amazing. Probably the best weekend I've had in a while. Broke the ice with the East Australian Current, Just Danced, and saw auntie. But it's gone now. At least it'll rain this week. I don't know, I guess I think all my troubles will wash away for just that moment if I walk through that forest, savor that air, and be in complete bliss. But, alas, chaparral everywhere. Wide open space for all to see. Summer, Summer, come soon. Man, I've got so many ideas floating around that I just need that push to get em' all out.
You're motivated, remember jazz?
yeah, I guess...but...
But what?
But sometimes I just wanna do nothing.
BLASPHEMY. stopbitching and get your ass off the minimum.
yes'm.

I'm gonna explode if I don't see something amazing soon. [Not that everythign is amazing, all the time].

Lately,

Caving in.

Awry

I was going to make a blog about all the assumptions people make about things that go wrong on test day, but i didn't want to jinx myself, which allows you to call me one of those people that thinks anything can happen on test day. I should sleep now, but I can't. Not that I'm nervous, it's just my not my sleeping schedule.

Two Mussies on one prank show in a single night?!! call that progression.

I Don't Care If It's a "Basics" Quiz

I fucking hate math. Not just any math, SAT math. Yes, even with THE C-Tong's help, I'm unable to solve a simple "Word Problem Basics Quiz"... I think you get some pleasure from this hmm? Some superiority over others' insecurities? This too shall pass...and inshallah it'll be what it'll be.
Dang, I'm ashamed...How could I possibly even think of longing for what you insignificantly, already have? I have everything I need right here...A strong bond, motivation, a sense of reality & beyond. And there I was slightly longing for that instant gratification. BUT, I often wonder if I'm angry with you for savoring this gratification, or angry with myself b/c I perhaps want something so insignificant as well? But nay, I doubt I want it that badly. Because, Thank God for Fridayprayer, I realized that that emotion was the most ungrateful, insignificant desire I have ever yearned for. And, Thank God, I only wanted it b/c it was a spur of the moment thing, it's not like i yearn for it all the time. Which I have come to see as a major accomplishment =)I'm extremely irritated at the moment. My computer is spazzing, I can feel my brain cells dying from staring at the screen, MATHISFCKING HARD, and my legs and this blanket cant seem to fit on this chair.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Strip Maul

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

10 minutes is much too long.

Dang, this week, next week, and the week after are supposed to be crazay busay. It'll all be worth it though, right jazz? Make it worth it. 

I've been doing this a lot lately. Maybe I just walk to 5th period alone for too long. But lately, I've been watching people disperse from lunch, and I can't stop..observing? them. Not in a stalkerish way. It's more of a.."What would happen if.." kind of way. "What would happen if there was a sudden, destructive earth quake and that girl was buried under rubble?" I'd like to think that people will come together and help one another in a time of catastrophe. But that's the problem...in a time of catastrophe. Why do we have to wait for a catastrophe  in order to be unified, to care? I think a death in the family is the best example for this. Someone dies, and all of a sudden you have a family reunion and you remember how much you love being with them. Then pretty soon you disperse once more and the next time you see them is at the next funeral. I also like to think that a tragedy is the No. 1 thing that could spark a reality check. We've all had them, and we all need them. When we have them (and I'm talking from an American teenager, gets-everything-handed-to-her point of view), it's so powerful, so amazing that you're so insignificant yet have so much potential, that you don't know what to do with it. So, you usually just end up marveling at the world in awe, and the next day, you're back roaming around aimlessly. So yes, I'm sure we've all experienced reality checks. But, I think we need to have this reality mentality. To just have this aspect in the back of our minds that we're so insignificant, are problems are so meager that it's almost disgusting that we don't think about how lucky we are every minute of our day. With that mentality, I think we can find comfort much easier. Be much more relaxed. Realize that there are bigger, greater, much more important things out there. And they're the things we take little notice of (family, food, health). Now, I'm not saying sulk in guilt and never exercise your blessings. These were given to you by God, enjoy them. But also realize that they can be taken away just as easily, at the tiniest turn of events, and you don't know when, or how, or if it will even happen. I dont know, it seems to me that when we realize how insignificant we are, we actually become much more aware of our world, ourselves. 

Just admit it, you're completely vulnerable.

So much beauty

So..basically I'm still motivated like you could never believe. But being back home has helped it slow down a bit, or at least not be so out there. Friday was very rash and brave. But it was fine, all it was was some delicious pho & tutti frutti with a bestie. What's the harm in that? But let me rewind. Friday was, amazing. I guess we all need one of those days to be so embraced in the spirituality. I mean, when the sheikh freaking cries while praying for your brothers & sisters halfway around the world in a little strip called Gaza, you can't help but get a little emotional yourself. It was beautiful. However, it is a little sad that we need a tragedy to be able to come together as one. Tell me if I'm getting over emotional, because I'm a sucker for unity stories. Plus, I was PMSING and it was kinda gloomy, so maybe that added to it. But it was probably the most beautiful day of break. I cried a lot during break. Actually, only the last days. And not over stupid shit, either. Ain't that somethin'. 

Girls, I salute you. But then again, you've got support from the rents. It's harder when you don't. A lot harder. I knew I should have written my confession down. I just can't seem to argue vocally, but maybe a strongly written argument letter would have changed your mind? Doubt it. We're both stubborn as fuck. I'm sorry I yelled & insulted & was ungrateful. But you were making me so angry. What's the bigdeal? And now, you make me scared. Scared of them out there... when I thought we were all tolerant? Aren't we? Why is it any different when it comes to us? And it hurts that you think I'll be deshawniarb, couldn't you trust my judgement a little more? Which makes me a little less excited for college, b/c i know you won't be. Anyway, you haven't convinced me, you may have won the battle, but the war is mine. Or heck, why do we have to make this a fight anyway? God, all i can do now i just pray that the decision I'm making will please. God, please forgive me, give me strength, wisdom.